Tea Party
by VanityWantsYou
Summary: The Akatsuki have a tea party! A mission goes awry.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**This is pointless, but it was so much fun to write! I wrote this about a week ago, before all my problems :Tears:**

**God, I effin' love Hidan XD**

"Would you like some more tea, Dei-chan?" a tiny little brunette held up her light pink tea kettle and smiled widely, a gap between her two front teeth. On her slim frame was a silky yellow princess dress and there was a real silver tiara on her head. She lifted the kettle higher, beckoning the older man to answer her.

Deidara felt his fingers twitch at his sides as he stared back at the girl's big, green eyes. He hated how children could manipulate someone with those things. Leaning back in the small wooden rocking chair, he looked away, scowling.

"Sure, un."

The child accepted the simple answer and poured more steaming tea into the blond's glass cup. She then proceded to swivel around in her white chair and ask the same question to the man on her left. This time, she received a pleasant smile in return, though it was hidden beneath a bright orange mask.

"I would love another cup of tea, Misora-chan!" Tobi held out his cup and thanked her politely once she filled it to the brim for the third time within the twenty minutes the Akatsuki had been sitting there at the round marble table. "Your cup's empty, Hidan-san, would you like some more, too? I'm sure Misora-chan would gladly give you a refill--"

"I don't want another fuckin' cup of tea! I'm fuckin' sick of bein' here in this ritsy ass mansion!" the silver-haired member glared at the wallpaper that covered the tall walls. "Jashin-sama is gonna fuckin' have my head when he finds out I've been here. For fuck's sake, cherubs?.!" he hissed as he looked at the fat little children all over the wallpaper.

"We're in the presence of a child, Hidan, watch your language," his partner, Kakuzu, commented in his seat between Hidan and Tobi. He was too large for one chair, so Misora had put two together. Patching together a tear in his cloak, he took a slow sip of his own half-empty glass.

Hidan growled and began picking at the bandages on his arm out of frustration.

He didn't understand why Leader had sent the entire group on this stupid mission. All they had to do was steal a few scrolls from a daimyo's home and return back to base. But knowing their leader, he probably just wanted to torture them. Hidan wanted nothing more than to skewer that bastard with his scythe.

_Sasori's so fuckin' lucky he was assigned to another mission!_

Misora giggled at Hidan, not understanding what his words meant, but finding his behavior funny. She then placed her attention on Kisame, the shark man taking his time with his plate of dumplings. His samehada was leaning against the far wall behind him since he knew no small girl would be a threat to him.

"Would you like more tea, Ki-chan?" she asked, straightening out the ruffles in her dress.

Kisame shook his head, not wanting to talk with a mouth full of food. He glanced out of the bedroom, into the hallway, and noticed an older man walk by. It was the daimyo, his elegant traditional robes dragging on the hardwood floor. Swallowing his chewed food, he nudged Itachi in the side.

The raven was sipping his tea much like a woman did. His Akatsuki robe was slung over the kitchen set by the window and he was dressed in tight-fitting black suit pants and a white dress shirt, his hair in its usual low ponytail. Tobi had accidently spilled an entire kettle of tea on the sharingan user and it had resulted in Misora shoving a pair of her older brother's clothes in the raven's arms and his cloak being hand-washed by a servant.

Lifting his slanted eyes, Itachi watched as the daimyo disappeared into his bedroom right beside the one they were in. He lowered the beverage from his lips and lifted up a powdered pastry, drawing his gaze back to the small girl, then to Zetsu.

The plant-like man was talking softly with himself. His white side looked gentle and spoke politely to his black side, whom didn't have the same kind of manners and morals. The darker half cursed and laughed rudely at a few of the white half's opinions on the flavor of the tea.

"Ita-chan, are my cakes yummy? I made them myself!" Misora chirped and leaned in, hoping for a positive response.

Truthfully, Itachi loved sweets. But he was going to carry that little personal fact to his grave.

"They're sweet," he replied dully.

"Can we go now?" Hidan groaned, pushing his empty plate and glass away. "Fuck this mission, I need some sleep."

"Mission?" Misora tilted her head to the side, her curly brown hair tumbling over her thin shoulders.

Kakuzu glared at his partner and snapped the threat on his needle, finishing up with his little task. If Hidan would've been able to die, he would've killed the foul-mouthed bastard months ago, when they'd first became teammates.

"Ignore him, everything that comes out of his mouth is unimportant," Kisame chuckled to himself, finishing his dumplings and stacking his plate atop Deidara's. Said blond watched as the little girl lifted up a dark blue container filled with dolls and handpuppets.

He inwardly cringed.

"Let's play with my dolls!" she cheered and called for one of the servants to come in and take everyones' plates. Before she could pull one out, Hidan groaned loudly.

"Oh, hell no! I'm not playin' with some fuckin' barbie doll!"

Misora blinked, the furrowed her light brows. "You're right... boys don't like dolls, do they?"

Hidan almost grinned in triumph. "That's right!"

"Then we should all make our own handpuppets and have a puppet show!" she said not even a split second afterward.

"Nice going, Hidan," Zetsu's black side snorted. The white half remained quiet.

xXxXx

Misora finished with her puppet and examined it. It was a replica of her brother, scruffy brown hair and all. She smiled and placed it on the table, glancing around at everyone else's creations. "Ok, let's share! Tsu-chan, you go first!"

Zetsu held up his puppet, which was basically a venus flytrap with lips and two crooked eyes. "Her name is Isabelle; I met her when I ventured through Bear Country," his white side stated in a monotone voice. "But she is one with the earth now."

Hidan choked on his laughter.

"What's so funny?" the black half snarled.

"Ah, nothin'," Hidan snickered.

"How about you go next, Hi-chan?" Misora asked.

"Hn, fine," he held up his own creation, an oddly disfigured monk in red robes, globs of red on the monster-like face. "This is Jashin-sama, our savior."

"Pft," Kisame chuckled.

Hidan ignored him. "And some day, he's going to grant me death."

Misora looked confused, not understanding why someone would want to die. "Your turn, Tobi-chan!"

"It's Deidara-sempai!" he held up a small puppet with round blue eyes and spikey blond hair. It was on a big clay bird, too. Tobi practically had little hearts floating around him as he showed it around. On the other side of Misora, Deidara gritted his teeth.

"Oooh, he's so pretty!" the little girl clapped her hands together. "What about you Dei-chan?"

Deidara slowly lifted up his own piece of work that was very well-made. "It's Sasori-danna, un," the puppet looked exactly like the original, flaming red hair, tired eyes and all.

Kisame went next, without being told, and pushed forward his tiny Naruto puppet. He snickered as everyone just stared at it. "I just thought it'd be fun to dismember his little puppet body limb by limb."

Itachi held up his artwork with one well-polished hand. His flace was completely blank, the cutest little puppet in his grasp. It was a little raven in a black shirt and peach-colored pants. "My otouto."

"I didn't bother to make one, I'm busy," Kakuzu stated as he began knitting something.

"Ok then!" Misora chirped. "Let's have a puppet show!"

Suddenly, Deidara's puppet, which was in the center of the table with all of the other puppets, exploded. Chunks of clay flew everywhere and Itachi let his left eye visibly twitch for a split second when his second set of attire was dirtied.

"What. The. Fuck!.! Shit, Jashin-sama, are you ok?.!" Hidan lifted up his crippled creation and almost sobbed at its torn up state. If the thing was alive, it's most likely be dead or in a comatose state by now. "Deidara, what the fuck were you thinkin'?.!"

Kisame sat there laughing his ass of, Zetsu remained quiet, Tobi was crying over the loss of his Deidara-sempai puppet, Kakuzu was scowling at the blond Akatsuki member, clutching his sewing project with strong fingers, and Itachi turned his head toward Deidara, his lips twitched downward.

"My otouto is scattered around the table in tiny slivers of fabric, Deidara, I expect you to pick him up and paste him back together." he stated in monotone, like always, his his eyes flashed red for a moment.

Deidara laughed nervously and fidgeted in his seat.

Hidan growled and slammed his deceased puppet onto the table. "Why the fuck would you turn your puppet into a suicide bomber?.!"

Zetsu stared down at his poor Isabelle, her head detached from her burnt body. "Ah, just like before..." his white side said solemnly. A lonesome breeze seemed to pass by.

Misora pouted and crossed her arms. "That wasn't very nice, Dei-chan! How are we going to have a puppet show now?"

"Oh," Deidara began, tilting his head to the side, his blond locks tumbling over his shoulders. "I don't know, un. But do you mind if we all clean ourselves off in the bathroom?"

Hidan's scowl suddenly disappeared when he realized what the other man was doing. "Yeah, we smell and look pretty shitty, so I think we should go clean up, yeah?"

Misora blinked, then stood to go to her closet to get a new dress. "Use the bathroom down the hall! And hurry up so we can play house! Ita-chan, I want you to play the mommy since you're so pretty! And I want Zu-chan to play the daddy since he's the most manly!" she pulled out a baby blue dress from her cluttered closet.

Itachi glanced over at Kakuzu and stood up, knowing that he would murder the little girl once the rest of the mission was done with. Everyone got up and followed him into the hallways and into the huge, lavish restroom, more pictures of angels and cherubs hanging on the walls and littering the wallpaper. There was even a statue of an angel near the sink and Hidan felt himself gag.

"God damn pagans!"

Itachi began washing his dirty skin and dried himself with a forest green towel, turning to see how they could get to the daimyo's bedroom from here. He frowned when he realized there weren't any other doors, windows, or even vents.

Tobi saw his look and suggested something. "How about we sneak by Misora-chan's room while she's changing and go in through the entrance door?" he looked hopeful, wanting praise from his elder.

Itachi nodded. "All of you can clean up once we return to base. Taking the daimyo's scrolls is more important at the moment," he made a handseal and created a clone of each Akatsuki member, including himself, just in case Misora decided to take a peak in the bathroom. Pushing open the bathroom door, he gracefully walked down the hallway, his footsteps as silent as his breathing.

Kisame took the time to glance into Misora's bedroom as he passed by, and saw that she wasn't there. His lips tightened, but he didn't say anything, thinking that she was probably downstairs taking her dirty dress to a maid or something. Maybe she was even getting them more snacks and tea.

Itachi let red bleed into his eyes, the wheels of his sharingan churning almost violently. He knew that the daimyo would be just through those doors and readied himself for the slaughter. He'd killed lords many times before, so he wasn't worried, but he needed to make it as bloodless as possible. Even the slightest splatter of the iron liquid could set off a trap.

"Zetsu, check for traps," he told the plant-like man.

Zetsu nodded and let himself dissolve into the wall. All of the Akatsuki members could hear him searching through the walls. A few moments later, he emerged from the floor.

"There aren't any traps," his black side laughed. "That fat old man could've at least set up an explosive tag or two. How careless."

Itachi pushed open the door, the wheels of his eyes already melding together in order for him to use the Tsukuyomi. Unfortunately, the daimyo was missing from the room. Instead, Misora stood there in the center of a furry tiger rug by the large bed, her smile huge and pretty.

"Tryin' to steal my papa's scrolls?"

Hidan groaned loadly in annoyance. "No wonder there aren't any fuckin' traps, his little brat of a daughter is all he needs to drive off enemies!.!"

Itachi let his eyes change back into their usual endless black orbs and he just stared at the girl.

Misora smiled. "Papa told me there were a lot of men out to take his scrolls, so I was really surprised when he believed you were babysitters here to watch over me while he worked," she giggled. "Papa can be silly sometimes, can't he?"

Deidara twitched. "I don't like her tone of voice, un."

"You were going to take his scrolls and leave, weren't you?" Misora asked, crossing her arms. "You weren't even going to come back to my room to play house with me, were you?" she pouted.

"You're damn right, we weren't," Hidan answered honestly, with a grin.

"Well then, I guess you're going to leave without the scrolls," she held up a little remote control device. "This thing will sound off every alarm in this building! If you take one more step forward, then I'll press this button and every guard will be here in less than a second!"

Kisame, being his ever so cheerful self, bared his shark-like teeth and laughed. "What a woman you are, Misora-san. How about we make a deal?"

"Yes, let's!" the little girl smiled and lowered the device. "If you all play house with me, I'll let you have the scrolls and leave unharmed!"

Itachi knew that he could kill her before she even had the chance to press the button, but decided to humor her. Besides, her death would draw unwanted attention and word would spread all over Japan of a group of rogue ninja who stole valuables. Leader would be upset if he found out the death of one girl upset their balance of power. Daimyos and other lords would be on the alert and it would become harder to infiltrate their castles.

"Then we have a deal," his voice was silky and deep.

xXxXx

"Mommy, I'm hungry! Can you bake me a cake?" Misora rolled over in her bed and watched as Itachi nodded and placed a plastuc cake on a white dish. The Uchiha was in a dress and white apron, his hair in braids and make up on his face, courtesy of Tobi. He walked to the bed and handed her the fake cake.

Deidara was in a schoolgirl uniform(1), his blond hair in pigtails. He tugged at his embarrassingly short blue skirt and frowned. "I look like a girl, un," he complained.

"Nice legs," Kisame cackled as he was decked out in a suit. He was playing the role of the butler.

Zetsu was standing against the wall, the Christmas tree, since (apparently), the skit was taking place during September. That fact only pissed Hidan off more, as he sat on the floor in a dog costume.

"Fuck you, fuck this!" he hissed and glared heatedly at the floor. "Why am **I** the dog?.! Tobi's more obedient than me, **he** should be the damn mutt! How about I take a shit on this floor right now, huh?.!"

Tobi sat at the table licking a plastic icecream, like the good little baby he was pretending to be.

"Shut the hell up," Kakuzu snarled while wearing one of the daimyo's outfits.

"But this whole thing is just a bunch of shit," Hidan grumbled.

"Don't you think I know that already?" the masked nin snarled.

Misora glanced over at her "daddy".

"Oh, Daddy!" she called.

Kakuzu resisted the urge to glare at her. "Yes, darling?" he seethed.

"Don't you remember what today is? It's yours and Mommy's eigth anniversary! You planned a nice little date with her, remember?"

Itachi, who had taken the plate back from Misora, paused in his actions. His hand tightened around it and it shattered.

Kakuzu cursed up a storm.

In the end, Itachi and Kakuzu had to share a very undesired kiss in front of the child, the deal was fulfilled and the scrolls were given to them without the daimyo knowing, and the Akatsuki were able to call their mission successful.

Unfortunately, Hidan was scarred for life and saw little pagan angels everywhere he went.

**OWARI**

(1)-Naruto Shippuden takes place in an altered version of the present, so I'm sure there's normal Japanese highschools around somewhere XD

I hope you all liked it! Reviews would be nice!


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